Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mothers Day

Mothers Day always brings up such emotion in me. This year is no exception. When looking inward, I still remember the days before I was a "mother" when I so desperately wanted to be a mother. One Mother's Day in particular, I remember coming home from church and just crying and crying. How unfair it feels sometimes when our life isn't working out just the way we thought it should. Thank goodness Heavenly Father gave me this experience, this deep desire (even though at the time it just felt awful and lonely and even a little hopeless). When I was a young(er) single girl, I knew I wanted a family, but never had that same yearning. I mostly thought of it as far in the future when I had accomplished a gillion other things. After my miscarriage and subsequent struggles to bring a baby here, that desire deepened and deepened within me until I wanted that little baby here more than almost anything. Thank Heaven!
      After having Ike and now Zachary, I know that there truly is no better calling, commitment, job or joy we can have than being a mother. I know the Lord instituted motherhood and family. I know no task or responsibility will ever be as important as being a mother. I love it, even when I question my ability or the responsibility I've been given, I know THIS is where Heavenly Father wants me right now.
      Secondly, I have had a chance today (thanks Ben) to ponder the other women in my life and their examples of motherhood. I look at a dear friend and family member of mine that Heavenly Father called home this year. Let me back up. Last night I was feeling a little down. About lots of things. I was thinking how inadequate I am, how underappreciated I felt and how guilty I felt for feeling underappreciated. All unfounded, I was pretty much just really tired. As I prayed last night, I asked to please be helped in putting my life back into focus. I didn't want to feel that way and I usually don't, but in those quiet, strange moments, it is an awful feeling. Anyway, last night I had a dream about this wonderful mother who we lost this year. I awoke this morning thinking of her, her suffering, and how I could help her family. She was such a selfless mother, even in the end when she was so full of pain and suffering, she never let her son know. She waited until the very end for him to even know she was going to the hospital for treatments while he was at school. She never used her fast moving, life threatening illness as an excuse, she lived for her family and showed ultimate love and sacrifice for them. I love her and am glad to have known her shining example.
      I also thought of another family member who just had a new baby. She is young and beautiful and starting a darling little family with her husband. They found out at 20 weeks gestation that their baby had a chromosomal defect that would cause her a very short lived little life once outside the womb. They have shown such faith and courage. She writes of the joy she has felt knowing this little girl inside of her and knowing that our Father in Heaven has a plan for them. They have welcomed this little girl with triumph and such joy as I've never seen. This little angel baby is still going strong and I know that this miracle is possible because of their unwavering faith. I love them and am so grateful to have such a wonderful example of faith, love, and courage.
     My third mother this year is not a mother as you might think. She is a young, beautiful, single woman I have known for a decade. She shows my kids so much love and support. She is a wonderful example to them and all the children in her life of loyalty, service and love. She shows care and concern for them and for all of us in a way no one else does:) I think all women are mothers in one way or another and this woman excels at it.
     You can see why I sometimes feel inadequate when I know such amazing women all around me, but right now all I feel is true love for each of them and honor in knowing them personally. I love our Father in Heaven. How inspired He is to give us each other to help us and inspire us. Please know today I am thinking of each of you. Thank you for being mothers and helping me to be a little better too.

Monday, May 2, 2011

9/11/01 The Day I Grew Up

I want to say I have no "personal attachment" to September 11th. BUT, as an American, don't we ALL have a personal attachment to that day. Lets face it... we ALL know where we were when we heard the news and we ALL spent that night praying, worrying and wondering how our lives would change. I happened to be 19 and in college. As your typical 19 year old, I was in college studying idealistic theories and abstract thoughts. The world was at my feet. I could do and be anything I put my mind to, those were ideals that formed my generation, right?  September 11th changed that for me. Osama bin Laden changed my world, just as he did yours. I guess it never really occurred to me until today.
       September 12th I looked at the world differently. Grief, death, tragedy, loss, change, and war became a part of my life and everyone around me. I started caring and studying outside of myself and the abstract figures and theories of far away as perhaps never before. I'm not sure any singular day, any event has shaped my world as much as that. I'm not saying from that time on, I never had a juvenile thought or action, but as of September 11, 2001, I knew and appreciated so much more than ever before.  And, I knew how blessed I was (and am) to be an American and exactly what that meant. God Bless America.