Not fair! That is the best description I have! My BABY just turned one! How did that happen so fast? I'm still not sure I'm used to have 3 children or having a GIRL! I haven't quite adjusted yet and it's been a year?!
It seems we are constantly reminded to enjoy every second with our children/while they're young/while we're in school/while we're young... etc. etc. etc. because it goes so quickly. I think I'm acutely aware of how quickly it goes and acutely aware of how much I need to enjoy it and so then I'm constantly wondering if I'm enjoying it enough and savoring these moments ENOUGH? I hope I do. I do so love each of these crazy moments.
And so maybe 'not fair' isn't quite accurate. All I know is that tonight after the hyper-pink lemonade cupcakes were put away, teeth were brushed, Reesie was measured on the height chart, and the official 1 year old picture in the wooden rocking chair that-will-someday-be-an-heirloom was taken, we took a minute to watch Reesie Roo's video of eating her cake, and then I couldn't help digging through iphoto for Zachary's video eating cake, and you guessed it, Isaac's too. The thought occurred to me... is this my life? How could my life have gone so quickly already? How did Reese turn one, Isaac just lost his second tooth and started piano lessons, and Zachary became the smartest human being alive? How did all that happen while I blinked?
And now I just feel grateful. Grateful for so many amazing little moments. Grateful I can share them all with Ben and these three little amazing people. Oh the love I feel for them feels like it will make my heart explode. That's a pretty good feeling.
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Sunday, July 29, 2012
8 years
8 Years. I know I have written about this before, but here we are again. This week marks the due date of our first baby 8 years ago. Truly I cannot believe it has been 8 years. In so many ways, I still feel every little feeling from that day and the months, and years, that followed. Sometimes I feel like my sadness should've passed by now. It hasn't. Sure, I have the blessing of time, perspective, and family, but I will always be sad that sweet baby is not here. I think I will always be sad that I don't know this baby right now, and I don't know why. I guess someday I will. And for that, I am grateful.
Tragically, this year our experience and those feelings have been brought back to the surface as we have witnessed another sweet, sweet family very close to us experience a miscarriage. I remember the disappointment, the devastation, the questions, loneliness, wondering, IF, WHEN, What did we do (or not do)? WHY (why us, why now, why, why why)... I remember all of these things and a thousand and one other thoughts and feelings we had, but you know what I have realized recently? That is MY (and Ben's) experience. It does not compare to others. AND that's ok. I have always felt that at least if we had to go through this and be so devastated, AT LEAST we would be able to relate to others and *help??* others dealing with similar situations. Now I know that our experience is all our own. It is not the same. We all experience so differently. How unfair of me to assume that my ability to relate would equate with easing the burden of someone else's experience. I realize now that the best I can do is sympathize. It just is sad and disappointing and can be utterly devastating. AND as much as I want to, I can't make it better. I can't even make it hurt less. Oh, how I wish I could. I wish that all the pain and sadness we went through would mean others wouldn't have to. Alas, such is life.
Enough with my new found realization. On to more...
Because of these recent experiences, Ben and I have also had the chance to contemplate WHAT we learned, HOW we grew, and (could it be?) how we were BLESSED through tragedy... I feel like I need to document so that I will always remember and always keep my perspective.
*We feel like we grew so much as a couple. Before I miscarried, Ben and I plugged along in our own little worlds of work and school living and loving without *many* cares in the world. We were so in love. We were worried about how we would provide for and protect and properly nurture and care for this new little baby, but overall we were just head over heels in love with life and each other. Once I got so so so sick, for the first time in our married lives, I had to rely upon Ben. It was not cute, in fact, I was so sick the last couple of weeks of pregnancy (they didn't know why at the time, but later found out because of the partial molar pregnancy, my pregnancy hormones were 500 times that of a normal pregnant woman) that I had no ability to work, or really take care of my home or myself at all. I learned for the first time (as I think you only can through experience) just how dedicated and unconditionally loving and caring and worried Ben was. He helped me in every way. He prayed for me, and over me. He took care of everything and was an unwavering beacon to me as we trudged through the darkest days of our lives. I'm not sure there was any other way we could've grown so close. All of a sudden, we were devastated, but we were driven.
*We were given a sudden dose of reality, appreciation for the goodness of life, and the fragility too. As young 20 somethings, we were so idealistic. Everything was fine in life and somehow "worked out." After witnessing the fragile mortality of my life and that of our unborn child, I think we both learned not to take anything for granted. I didn't immediately miscarry. My water broke after throwing up so violently one night. So, when we went to the emergency room, I was still pregnant. Our baby was still alive. As we watched in the ultrasound room, our baby's heart was still beating. Our baby was moving around. AND we knew there was no medical way that things could end well. Our baby was not developed enough to survive, due to the partial molar part of the pregnancy. Basically, the mole had taken vital nutrients from our baby and prevented baby from developing appropriately. This was at 18 weeks. Nothing has ever broken my heart as that did. Even 8 years later, I can remember distinctly the blanket of horrifying sadness knowing what was coming to our sweet, innocent baby. Oh, that is a day I never want to relive. But, you know what? Ben and I learned how incredibly precious life is: everyday, everyone. What a blessing a healthy baby is!
*We learned exactly what we wanted. All of a sudden everything was incredibly clear. Before we lost our baby, I knew I wanted to be a mother. I always wanted to be a mother. I just had a huge idea of what I could do and wanted to do. I wanted to do everything, and Ben wanted me to too. This is very personal and very specific to Ben and I, but the minute I started thinking outside of my grief, I knew all I really wanted, ever, was to be a mother; to raise a family and be by my husband's side forever. All of my professional, educational accomplishments fell to the side at that moment. They truly meant very little compared to the opportunity of being a mother. We knew at that very moment beyond a shadow of a doubt that our singular goal was to have a family and raise them up to the Lord, to do His will. Everything else suddenly became a means to that end.
*We learned personal sadness, embarrassment, shame. It seemed like no one got it right. People were sad for us for a few days (outside of our close family) and that was that. Life for them went on, as it does. For us though, we were the ones the sad thing happened to. Then we became the sad couple that couldn't have babies. Some judged us for being married without kids for so long, others tried their best to explain explain explain. Explain my medical history to everyone and anyone. Explain our devastation and try to make it better. There were so many kind words, some mistaken kindness, and some insensitive things said. There were many, many tears some in public, most in private. Ben learned how to deal with that too... especially on Mothers' day and after baby blessings. And so we learned to deal with feeling bad, being patient with ourselves, our sadness, and others' insensitivity or misunderstanding.
*We learned about patience and timing. I learned that sometimes it just doesn't happen. Even when we were living our best and trying our hardest, it just was not Heavenly Fathers' will for us at that time. We have had to apply this life lesson to so many things that have come since then, but I first learned it, or truly experienced it, here. Tragically miscarrying our first baby and then not being able to get pregnant for 3 years, was difficult. I spent the entire 3 years pleading for the opportunity to be a mother. I worried the whole time that perhaps I never would get that chance. I wondered if I had done something wrong. Was I being punished? Were we not good enough? It sure seemed that way. I looked at everyone else as having the perfect life. In the end, I truly do believe there were life lessons we needed to learn this way, there were places we needed to go, things we needed to do that could not have happened any other way. It was certainly not our plan, but I do not regret this difficult path either, but I won't lie, I'm still sad...
I apologize for this gush. My heart was just so full. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me and our first sweet little baby (and all of us). I know without a doubt that He loves us incredibly, unfailingly, and beyond anything we can imagine. One reason I know that, is because He allowed us the opportunity to struggle. He knew the anguish of our hearts and yet He knew exactly what we needed to gain from that experience. Only a truly loving parent could do that. He knows our hearts all the of the time. He was with us in our darkest times in that hospital room, and every time someone thought unkind things about us and every time I came trudging home so enveloped in sadness after church or wherever we were. He put people and blessings and learning experiences in our lives to lead us to where we are today, to be the parents, the couple, the eternal family we are today. We certainly are not perfect, but I want to say we really are grateful. Grateful for our blessings and grateful for all of our trials. I know someday we will understand. We will know why and it will all be ok.
Tragically, this year our experience and those feelings have been brought back to the surface as we have witnessed another sweet, sweet family very close to us experience a miscarriage. I remember the disappointment, the devastation, the questions, loneliness, wondering, IF, WHEN, What did we do (or not do)? WHY (why us, why now, why, why why)... I remember all of these things and a thousand and one other thoughts and feelings we had, but you know what I have realized recently? That is MY (and Ben's) experience. It does not compare to others. AND that's ok. I have always felt that at least if we had to go through this and be so devastated, AT LEAST we would be able to relate to others and *help??* others dealing with similar situations. Now I know that our experience is all our own. It is not the same. We all experience so differently. How unfair of me to assume that my ability to relate would equate with easing the burden of someone else's experience. I realize now that the best I can do is sympathize. It just is sad and disappointing and can be utterly devastating. AND as much as I want to, I can't make it better. I can't even make it hurt less. Oh, how I wish I could. I wish that all the pain and sadness we went through would mean others wouldn't have to. Alas, such is life.
Enough with my new found realization. On to more...
Because of these recent experiences, Ben and I have also had the chance to contemplate WHAT we learned, HOW we grew, and (could it be?) how we were BLESSED through tragedy... I feel like I need to document so that I will always remember and always keep my perspective.
*We feel like we grew so much as a couple. Before I miscarried, Ben and I plugged along in our own little worlds of work and school living and loving without *many* cares in the world. We were so in love. We were worried about how we would provide for and protect and properly nurture and care for this new little baby, but overall we were just head over heels in love with life and each other. Once I got so so so sick, for the first time in our married lives, I had to rely upon Ben. It was not cute, in fact, I was so sick the last couple of weeks of pregnancy (they didn't know why at the time, but later found out because of the partial molar pregnancy, my pregnancy hormones were 500 times that of a normal pregnant woman) that I had no ability to work, or really take care of my home or myself at all. I learned for the first time (as I think you only can through experience) just how dedicated and unconditionally loving and caring and worried Ben was. He helped me in every way. He prayed for me, and over me. He took care of everything and was an unwavering beacon to me as we trudged through the darkest days of our lives. I'm not sure there was any other way we could've grown so close. All of a sudden, we were devastated, but we were driven.
*We were given a sudden dose of reality, appreciation for the goodness of life, and the fragility too. As young 20 somethings, we were so idealistic. Everything was fine in life and somehow "worked out." After witnessing the fragile mortality of my life and that of our unborn child, I think we both learned not to take anything for granted. I didn't immediately miscarry. My water broke after throwing up so violently one night. So, when we went to the emergency room, I was still pregnant. Our baby was still alive. As we watched in the ultrasound room, our baby's heart was still beating. Our baby was moving around. AND we knew there was no medical way that things could end well. Our baby was not developed enough to survive, due to the partial molar part of the pregnancy. Basically, the mole had taken vital nutrients from our baby and prevented baby from developing appropriately. This was at 18 weeks. Nothing has ever broken my heart as that did. Even 8 years later, I can remember distinctly the blanket of horrifying sadness knowing what was coming to our sweet, innocent baby. Oh, that is a day I never want to relive. But, you know what? Ben and I learned how incredibly precious life is: everyday, everyone. What a blessing a healthy baby is!
*We learned exactly what we wanted. All of a sudden everything was incredibly clear. Before we lost our baby, I knew I wanted to be a mother. I always wanted to be a mother. I just had a huge idea of what I could do and wanted to do. I wanted to do everything, and Ben wanted me to too. This is very personal and very specific to Ben and I, but the minute I started thinking outside of my grief, I knew all I really wanted, ever, was to be a mother; to raise a family and be by my husband's side forever. All of my professional, educational accomplishments fell to the side at that moment. They truly meant very little compared to the opportunity of being a mother. We knew at that very moment beyond a shadow of a doubt that our singular goal was to have a family and raise them up to the Lord, to do His will. Everything else suddenly became a means to that end.
*We learned personal sadness, embarrassment, shame. It seemed like no one got it right. People were sad for us for a few days (outside of our close family) and that was that. Life for them went on, as it does. For us though, we were the ones the sad thing happened to. Then we became the sad couple that couldn't have babies. Some judged us for being married without kids for so long, others tried their best to explain explain explain. Explain my medical history to everyone and anyone. Explain our devastation and try to make it better. There were so many kind words, some mistaken kindness, and some insensitive things said. There were many, many tears some in public, most in private. Ben learned how to deal with that too... especially on Mothers' day and after baby blessings. And so we learned to deal with feeling bad, being patient with ourselves, our sadness, and others' insensitivity or misunderstanding.
*We learned about patience and timing. I learned that sometimes it just doesn't happen. Even when we were living our best and trying our hardest, it just was not Heavenly Fathers' will for us at that time. We have had to apply this life lesson to so many things that have come since then, but I first learned it, or truly experienced it, here. Tragically miscarrying our first baby and then not being able to get pregnant for 3 years, was difficult. I spent the entire 3 years pleading for the opportunity to be a mother. I worried the whole time that perhaps I never would get that chance. I wondered if I had done something wrong. Was I being punished? Were we not good enough? It sure seemed that way. I looked at everyone else as having the perfect life. In the end, I truly do believe there were life lessons we needed to learn this way, there were places we needed to go, things we needed to do that could not have happened any other way. It was certainly not our plan, but I do not regret this difficult path either, but I won't lie, I'm still sad...
I apologize for this gush. My heart was just so full. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me and our first sweet little baby (and all of us). I know without a doubt that He loves us incredibly, unfailingly, and beyond anything we can imagine. One reason I know that, is because He allowed us the opportunity to struggle. He knew the anguish of our hearts and yet He knew exactly what we needed to gain from that experience. Only a truly loving parent could do that. He knows our hearts all the of the time. He was with us in our darkest times in that hospital room, and every time someone thought unkind things about us and every time I came trudging home so enveloped in sadness after church or wherever we were. He put people and blessings and learning experiences in our lives to lead us to where we are today, to be the parents, the couple, the eternal family we are today. We certainly are not perfect, but I want to say we really are grateful. Grateful for our blessings and grateful for all of our trials. I know someday we will understand. We will know why and it will all be ok.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mothers Day
Mothers Day always brings up such emotion in me. This year is no exception. When looking inward, I still remember the days before I was a "mother" when I so desperately wanted to be a mother. One Mother's Day in particular, I remember coming home from church and just crying and crying. How unfair it feels sometimes when our life isn't working out just the way we thought it should. Thank goodness Heavenly Father gave me this experience, this deep desire (even though at the time it just felt awful and lonely and even a little hopeless). When I was a young(er) single girl, I knew I wanted a family, but never had that same yearning. I mostly thought of it as far in the future when I had accomplished a gillion other things. After my miscarriage and subsequent struggles to bring a baby here, that desire deepened and deepened within me until I wanted that little baby here more than almost anything. Thank Heaven!
After having Ike and now Zachary, I know that there truly is no better calling, commitment, job or joy we can have than being a mother. I know the Lord instituted motherhood and family. I know no task or responsibility will ever be as important as being a mother. I love it, even when I question my ability or the responsibility I've been given, I know THIS is where Heavenly Father wants me right now.
Secondly, I have had a chance today (thanks Ben) to ponder the other women in my life and their examples of motherhood. I look at a dear friend and family member of mine that Heavenly Father called home this year. Let me back up. Last night I was feeling a little down. About lots of things. I was thinking how inadequate I am, how underappreciated I felt and how guilty I felt for feeling underappreciated. All unfounded, I was pretty much just really tired. As I prayed last night, I asked to please be helped in putting my life back into focus. I didn't want to feel that way and I usually don't, but in those quiet, strange moments, it is an awful feeling. Anyway, last night I had a dream about this wonderful mother who we lost this year. I awoke this morning thinking of her, her suffering, and how I could help her family. She was such a selfless mother, even in the end when she was so full of pain and suffering, she never let her son know. She waited until the very end for him to even know she was going to the hospital for treatments while he was at school. She never used her fast moving, life threatening illness as an excuse, she lived for her family and showed ultimate love and sacrifice for them. I love her and am glad to have known her shining example.
I also thought of another family member who just had a new baby. She is young and beautiful and starting a darling little family with her husband. They found out at 20 weeks gestation that their baby had a chromosomal defect that would cause her a very short lived little life once outside the womb. They have shown such faith and courage. She writes of the joy she has felt knowing this little girl inside of her and knowing that our Father in Heaven has a plan for them. They have welcomed this little girl with triumph and such joy as I've never seen. This little angel baby is still going strong and I know that this miracle is possible because of their unwavering faith. I love them and am so grateful to have such a wonderful example of faith, love, and courage.
My third mother this year is not a mother as you might think. She is a young, beautiful, single woman I have known for a decade. She shows my kids so much love and support. She is a wonderful example to them and all the children in her life of loyalty, service and love. She shows care and concern for them and for all of us in a way no one else does:) I think all women are mothers in one way or another and this woman excels at it.
You can see why I sometimes feel inadequate when I know such amazing women all around me, but right now all I feel is true love for each of them and honor in knowing them personally. I love our Father in Heaven. How inspired He is to give us each other to help us and inspire us. Please know today I am thinking of each of you. Thank you for being mothers and helping me to be a little better too.
After having Ike and now Zachary, I know that there truly is no better calling, commitment, job or joy we can have than being a mother. I know the Lord instituted motherhood and family. I know no task or responsibility will ever be as important as being a mother. I love it, even when I question my ability or the responsibility I've been given, I know THIS is where Heavenly Father wants me right now.
Secondly, I have had a chance today (thanks Ben) to ponder the other women in my life and their examples of motherhood. I look at a dear friend and family member of mine that Heavenly Father called home this year. Let me back up. Last night I was feeling a little down. About lots of things. I was thinking how inadequate I am, how underappreciated I felt and how guilty I felt for feeling underappreciated. All unfounded, I was pretty much just really tired. As I prayed last night, I asked to please be helped in putting my life back into focus. I didn't want to feel that way and I usually don't, but in those quiet, strange moments, it is an awful feeling. Anyway, last night I had a dream about this wonderful mother who we lost this year. I awoke this morning thinking of her, her suffering, and how I could help her family. She was such a selfless mother, even in the end when she was so full of pain and suffering, she never let her son know. She waited until the very end for him to even know she was going to the hospital for treatments while he was at school. She never used her fast moving, life threatening illness as an excuse, she lived for her family and showed ultimate love and sacrifice for them. I love her and am glad to have known her shining example.
I also thought of another family member who just had a new baby. She is young and beautiful and starting a darling little family with her husband. They found out at 20 weeks gestation that their baby had a chromosomal defect that would cause her a very short lived little life once outside the womb. They have shown such faith and courage. She writes of the joy she has felt knowing this little girl inside of her and knowing that our Father in Heaven has a plan for them. They have welcomed this little girl with triumph and such joy as I've never seen. This little angel baby is still going strong and I know that this miracle is possible because of their unwavering faith. I love them and am so grateful to have such a wonderful example of faith, love, and courage.
My third mother this year is not a mother as you might think. She is a young, beautiful, single woman I have known for a decade. She shows my kids so much love and support. She is a wonderful example to them and all the children in her life of loyalty, service and love. She shows care and concern for them and for all of us in a way no one else does:) I think all women are mothers in one way or another and this woman excels at it.
You can see why I sometimes feel inadequate when I know such amazing women all around me, but right now all I feel is true love for each of them and honor in knowing them personally. I love our Father in Heaven. How inspired He is to give us each other to help us and inspire us. Please know today I am thinking of each of you. Thank you for being mothers and helping me to be a little better too.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Gotta Have an Opinion... Binkies
This little modern marvel has saved my life on oh so many occasions over the past 3 years that I feel a great need to share with you my love for the binkie, and my warnings... To begin, as a new mother, I had read so many negative things about binkies... they can cause future dental issues for your child, they can be full of germs, addictions, nipple confusion, etc. I decided, and held to, my decision to not use a binkie with Ike while in the hospital. However, once we got home, I realized that this little boy LOVES and NEEDS to suck... He wasn't hungry, but had that need most of the time as a newborn. So, with the good advice of my mom, we set out to find a binkie. I think we bought every brand we could think of... I have really wanted both of my boys to love the soothies...
But, to no avail... These binkies are known to be the closest to breast and they have cute sizes that go from premie to toddler... We'll get to that later:)My next try was Nuk. I think these are super cute and really handy when your baby learns to pull them in or out. They also are really easy to create your own fun binkie holder. Ike LOVED the Nuk. Zach HATES them... to each his own:) I have read that Nuks are especially good orthodontically too!
Now, luckily with Ike, these worked out very well... On to Zach... Zachary LOVES Mams. I didn't know much about these except that Ike hated them... Funny how each child has their own likes/dislikes even from birth:) I have grown to like Mams, though they are more difficult keeping in and most stores don't have very many varieties... But, they do calm the little guy, so we love them just the same...
So, my kids love their binkies... I love the mams for older kids 6+ mos (they have cute sayings and patterns), but typically, I don't buy bigger nipple binkies. First, I have smaller babies (so far...) and these bigger binkies seem to consume their little heads. Secondly, I am a firm believer in taking away the binky at age 1. I want it to stop being as soothing before their first birthdays... Terrible, I know. This is when their attachments tend to wane and shortly thereafter, get much stronger. When we took away Ike's binkies at 13 months, it was really more of a challenge to me than him. He had forgotten about it in less than a week. Regardless of when you choose to take it away, be aware that down the road binkies can affect speech and orthodontics, if it is used excessively.
I know there are lots of other binkies out there, some MUCH cuter than the ones my boys chose... Maybe we'll get the chance to test them out next time around, but for now, we sure love the binkie!
So, what do you think? Have any of you had good or bad binky experiences? I'm always open to suggestion! When do you take it away? Any tricks?
Well, in the end, Bless You, Binkie manufacturers!
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